Most Cliche Song Ever

I didn't have my XM unit plugged in during a recent trip, so I had to resort to FM. Scanning channels, I came upon a modern country station and a song so breathtakingly terrible that I seriously felt like it was some kind of SNL spoof. 

On at least a dozen occasions in the last 10 years, I've ventured to FM country radio and heard songs that made me think, "Now, THAT is the worst, most cliche, most uncreative insulting-to-people's-intelligence song ever made." And with each successive listen, the previous worst song is bested in terribleness by another. The newest winner is called "Where I'm From" by Jason Michael Carroll (the uriney guy with the long blonde hair pictured).

First matter of business: "Jason Michael Carroll?" Nah, mug.

Next: The lyrics. Couldn't be more cliche. Front pew of a wooden white church? A man's word? Quarterback and homecoming queen? High school flames? GODDAMN! Nah, mug!

He proudly rattles off the most generic list of "small town" stuff to a guy in an Armani suit who he claims laughed at his boots and jeans in the first class section of an airplane. Guess what faggot: No such interchange took place. Yes, I know songs can tell a fictional story, but it's supposed to ring true. The mug didn't have on Armani. If he did, he didn't "laugh" at your jeans and boots.

Oh, and it wouldn't be godawful piece of shit modern country song without throwing in the plot twist (no surprise) that your brother has cancer. Oh and goddaaaaaaaamn, you really threw us with the next plot twist that Armani Guy is from a small town, too. 

I wretched.

Of course, this "Lemme tell ya 'bout where I'm from and how simple and great it is" trend in lyrics has been going on for a while. All the songs are about this concept. Rather than tell a story about doing something, which is written in a language that tells you where they are from as a by-product of the story (for example, "Hey Good Lookin'" by Hank Williams), these unoriginal bastards just tell ya straightforwardly and boringly "I'm from da country, blah blah blah, we's raised wif values an' we like fried chicken and skinny-dippin' and we's like da moonlight." It would be like if instead of actual dialogue, Woody Allen just ran around in "Annie Hall" saying "I'm a neurotic jew! I like sex!"

Don't get me wrong. I am not slamming the concept of being country and being from a small town and appreciating the attributes of said country small town. That's great and has been done years ago in a far more artistically pleasing manner (see Tom T. Hall). I am in no way dissing small town or country life. I am dissing the fucking awful excuse for creativity or anything moving in these gaywaddy songs. I also must mention that each is done in the overproduced, soaring, huge sound that is now put on every single song out of Nashville.

So I hit scan. And lo and goddamn just behold, I came upon a song called "It's America" by some plug named Rodney Atkins (the peanutty turd pictured also, with — big surprise — a front-tuck). For some reason I can't paste the lyrics here in this post. Please, please Google the lyrics of both these songs.